Finally, Captain David Miscavige’s faux-military Scientology ribbons decoded!

This story was first published at The Underground Bunker on September 6, 2018. We consider it one of our most important (and hilarious) stories ever about Scientology, and we decided to find room for it here at our Substack so it will have an ad-free archival home. — T.O.

We have a real treat for you today, something we hope will add some levity to your day. It’s also timely as things play out in the South American nation of Colombia regarding Scientology’s involvement with the military there.

To preface this nonsense, we wanted to remind you how curious it was back in 2013 when we were in a Texas courtroom and lawyers for the Church of Scientology objected to attorney Ray Jeffrey referring to the leader of the church as “Captain David Miscavige.”

Of course, that only motivated Ray (and us) to continue referring to Miscavige that way, once we knew that he is apparently sensitive about it.

Miscavige rules Scientology with an iron fist, and what gives him the authority to do so is the fact that he is the captain of the Sea Organization, the collection of hardcore inner elites who run the vast collection of entities that make up the Scientology movement even though, curiously, the Sea Org has no standing as a legal entity.

The Sea Org was created by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard in 1967 when he decided to run his worldwide cabal from sea after things had gotten too hot for him in the US and the UK. From 1967 to 1975, Hubbard ran Scientology from his “flagship,” the Apollo, with a crew of completely dedicated and mostly young people who made up the Sea Org. After Hubbard took his navy back to land in 1975 in Florida, a new base in Clearwater became the “Flag Land Base,” and the Sea Org continued to operate with naval ranks and cute uniforms.

Hubbard was the Sea Org’s “Commodore,” and he was elevated to admiral when he died in 1986. No one else can have those ranks after him, and so the highest ranking officer in the Sea Org, and hence in all of Scientology, is Captain David Miscavige.

In past years he was less shy about it, at least behind closed doors when he was around other Scientologists.

[Miscavige at the Maiden Voyage celebration in 2006]

These days, it’s less common to see Miscavige wearing his naval regalia. And what a shame. Take a look at how adorable he looks dressed up as a pint-sized Lord Nelson back in the day…

But hey, what about that board of ribbons on his chest? What do they all mean?

From time to time, we’ve seen people ask about that, but we never had a good answer for it. Until now. Thanks to a tipster who has helped us in the past, we now have a nearly complete guide to Captain Miscavige’s naval dress-up decorations. And it’s even more fun than we expected.

To decode his ribbons, our tipster dug up a couple of obscure Flag Orders that refer to Sea Org uniforms. Those orders describe each of the ribbons on Miscavige’s chest, except for one that we’re unsure about. Here’s the full set, in all of its glory…

There really are some wonderful results, aren’t there? You have to love a military ribbon for “A/V Specialist” (Dave was Hubbard’s video cameraman during early shoots in the California desert while still a teenager.) Or how about that harrowing campaign at the Battle of Portland in 1985, circling a courthouse with protest signs. War is hell, man!

We were surprised to see that Miscavige wears the badge of a Class XII Auditor and Case Supervisor. Karen de la Carriere, who was an actual Class XII trained by L. Ron Hubbard, tells us that she too was awarded the red badge that Miscavige wears, but she says it’s ludicrous to think that Miscavige earned it.

“He did not even graduate the Class IV Interneship at Saint Hill, because he punched his preclear and was asked to leave the campus,” she tells us.

There’s a lot of great late 1970s and early 1980s Scientology history represented in those decorations. Imagine how many ribbons Miscavige would have to add if he were to wear his uniform today: Tax-exempt status in 1993, quashing the Lisa McPherson criminal prosecution (2000) and wrongful death lawsuit (2004), disappearing his wife Shelly (2005), and lots of stars and clusters for every Ideal Org on Earth! Surely, he’d run out of uniform.

Anyway, here are the ribbon identifiers taken from a Flag Orders pack that our tipster put together to identify the ribbons. As you can see, one of the ribbons doesn’t seem to be on the list. We hope someone can fill us in on that.

Here’s the full Flag Orders pack about uniforms, with all of the ribbons and other insignia.

Tell us what you think the missing ribbon might represent. What does David Miscavige deserve recognition for?

Saturday Bonus Stories: We’ve been posting some of our favorite articles from the past that are becoming hard to find on other platforms. Some of them are about Scientology and some of them are not. We hope you find them interesting.

Phoenix New Times (1995-1999): The cosmic life of Robert Burnham Jr. | The real story of Comet Hale-Bopp’s discovery | Interview with the Viper | Cult Buster: The Rick Ross story

New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002): Battling Babe-Hounds: When two dating gurus took their mutual hate to a courtroom | Sex, Spies, and Videotape: Channel 13 and the CIA ‘sex slave’ | Kevin MacDonald on anti-Semitism and DNA | Double Crossed, the Graham Berry story

The Village Voice (2007-2012): Secrets of the Super Power Building | Scientology and oiliness | The strange death of Flo Barnett | ‘Tom Cruise Worships David Miscavige Like a God’: The Jean Brousseau interview | How Scientology spied on Tom Cruise | Why Annie Broeker had to die in secret

The Underground Bunker (2012-2022): Scientology’s Master Spies | L. Ron Hubbard’s 1960 talk supporting apartheid | How Scientology broke up Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers | The full set of 1997 Secret Lives outtakes about L. Ron Hubbard | Rare tape reveals origin of Scientology’s space cooties | Jefferson Hawkins has your roadmap out of Scientology | Scientology’s ultimate prize: The current ‘OT 8’ materials

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For the full picture of what’s happening today in the world of Scientology, please join the conversation at tonyortega.org, where we’ve been reporting daily on David Miscavige’s cabal since 2012. There you’ll find additional stories, and our popular regular daily features:

Source Code: Actual things founder L. Ron Hubbard said on this date in history

Avast, Ye Mateys: Snapshots from Scientology’s years at sea

Overheard in the Freezone: Indie Hubbardism, one thought at a time

Past is Prologue: From this week in history at alt.religion.scientology

Random Howdy: Your daily dose of the Captain

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