Forgiveness: An alien concept in Scientology that is key to putting it behind you
Valerie Ross really moved us with this new update on her journey after Scientology…
Over Christmas, Alex Barnes-Ross and I did a little back and forth spreading the cheer. As seems to be the case with most conversations with Alex, his empathy astounds me. Having been a Scientologist himself, he understands the brain-shrapnel involved in leaving.
In the last livestream we did, he was able to take me deeper in my feelings than any other one I’ve done so far. At one point, we discussed my ex mother-in-law and a comment she had made regarding her son beating me. The comment was, “Well, she must have done something to deserve it.”
As a refresher, this was what I wrote in the relevant portion of my story Tony published April 22. The day before, I had gone with Heber Jentzsch to the protest regarding the 1977 FBI raid. By this time, my daughter was three months old. Then this happened:
The next day Mark’s sister and I went shopping for the next celebrity event at the Shrine. While we were out I told her I was pregnant again. She asked if I wanted to be. I said “does it matter?”
We came back to the apartment to find Mark in bed with a girl around his sister’s age. He went ballistic. Of course it was our fault for coming back and finding him committing statutory rape. The girl grabbed her clothes and ran out, his sister grabbed the baby and barricaded herself in a bedroom to call the police and I was left there with him.
The floor was covered in blood and I was unconscious by the time the cops arrived. This time I was admitted because I was miscarrying and hemorrhaging, and all of my fingers on my right hand and my right wrist were broken. I actually got pain meds while I was in the hospital, despite my GO handler stating “if she was conscious she would tell you not to give her those.” I heard that, but did not let on that I did as my care provider protected me.
Mark’s sister told her mother what had happened. She told me a few days later what her mother’s response was. His mother responded, “Well, she must have done something to deserve it.”
My GO handler checked me out of the hospital as soon as they got the hemorrhaging under control, once again with no pain meds, and a promise (a lie) that I would get follow-up care. I had a cast that a guy at the Bellevue Mission cut off with a hacksaw a few weeks later. That was the extent of my follow-up care. No police report was filed, but I was in ethics trouble again. This time, I was considered a liability to the organization because my husband kept getting me hospitalized and that was bad PR for Scientology. It was decided that we should move on.
Heber brought my ethics and pc files over and we burned them in the hibachi on the balcony. That’s how they destroyed evidence back then. This has worked out well for me because Scientology only has trace records of me in their files. They have my clear number but don’t have evidence that I was in the Sea Org, although I have ex-students and ex-co-workers who know I was there.
Their secrecy works both ways. They destroyed their blackmail files on me years ago in their attempt to conceal just how huge Snow White was. The government really didn’t arrest the majority of the players, but they did shut down the operation. And, Scientology pretended to dismantle their spy ring too. That was when we were sent “on extended mission.” I was still unofficially GO, but the GO was in tatters, so I’m not sure it mattered.
I was only one of the people in the organization who were let go at that time. I was given $2,500 in what I considered hush money, though no one came right out and said that. I understood that I was still at their beck and call if needed, but no longer would I receive a weekly paycheck. Basically I got just under a years’ pay to get out of their sight.”
Obviously, the entire event had an adverse effect on me, both mentally and physically. But that comment from Mark’s mother buried itself in my heart. For more than 40 years, I’ve carried a deep resentment for her because of those words. At about 19:11 in the livestream, we begin the discussion. The entire thing lasts about a minute.
Alex’s response to that comment was “that’s disgusting.” He then pointed out that she was a Scientologist when she said it. As a Scientologist, it was what she was programmed to say. Especially since she was auditing on OT VII when she said it.
If you watch the livestream, you can see the effect that comment from Alex had on me. I felt all those years of anger at that small slight go away. It allowed me the freedom to release the seed of darkness in my heart. A seed which I still held against a woman who died of a brain tumor in 1998. She had left Scientology before she died. She had even sued them.
Let me make it clear that although I divorced her son, she was my children’s only living grandmother. Although I avoided her son, I continued talking to her for the fourteen years between the divorce and her death. I had my total hysterectomy related to my cancer while she was in the hospital dying. I went with my children from my hospital bed to her hospital bed so they could say goodbye. I attended her funeral,
But in all those years, we did not ever discuss that comment. I don’t know if she even remembered saying it. I didn’t ever ask her.
Yet I resented her. Letting that go after all these years meant so much.
After my livestream with Alex, I posted a comment on my blog about that podcast. In it, I made a blanket apology to those I had unknowingly hurt through my words and actions while I was under the influence of Scientology.
Alex, when texting me over Christmas, said (requoted with his permission):
You have been very brave in speaking out and sharing your story and I think in doing so you have helped more people than you realise. I know it couldn’t have been easy, but I (and I’m sure so many others) appreciate it more than I think you can imagine. But please don’t forget: Scientology changes everything about you — right down to your very core. They tricked you, lied to you and deceived you. We are all victims and it’s a sign of strength that you are one of the very few who has been able to rise up and stand up against the evil organisation that is Scientology.
Those words right there: “Scientology changes everything about you — right down to your core.” That’s the hardest thing to remember after leaving. If a person is lucky, they recognize what Scientology did to them and they work to combat the mind-shrapnel implanted in them. Some people don’t recover.
They are angry that they were duped and remain angry rather than moving past that. It is sad to see ex-Scientologists behaving exactly as they were taught in Scientology. The difference is, they now blame their misbehavior on their past programming. That doesn’t heal them.
Others, including myself, continue to hold grudges against someone who was acting under the influence of the same programming. Even long after leaving, it seemed easier to blame others for my pain. Letting go of this feeling, that someone who was as brainwashed as I was purposely hurt me, was amazing! Just like there is no way I could possibly begin to figure out who I unintentionally hurt, it works both ways.
Every person in Scientology is in their own personal hell. A lot of times just getting through the day requires actions that shock the conscience when looking back after a person escapes. Sleep deprivation, hunger, fear, cross orders and threats (both real and imagined) are just some of the things a person deals with. There is not a chance to act, only react.
When slogging through a Scientology day, it’s not possible to realize the collateral damage caused by your actions. If you’re lucky, you manage to dodge the majority of the bullets aimed at you. There are entire weeks I can’t remember because I was so exhausted. To expect an apology from someone who was as brainwashed and broken as me makes no sense.
When Alex pointed out to me that my ex mother in law was also brainwashed, it allowed me to quit feeling she had wronged me. It was not her. It was Scientology.
I reached a point in my life where I had a choice. I could continue to hide from my demons, or turn around and face them head on. Now that I have begun facing them, I have to remember that others have similar or worse demons. It is not in my best interest to blame the people in Scientology who had done me wrong. It is time to start placing the blame squarely where it belongs. On the programming.
I’m still taking baby steps in my healing. I’m finally starting to realize that the only way to make peace with my past is to make peace with myself.
— Valerie Ross
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Good article. For me there are several factors. First why would someone buy into the Scientology scam?
What keeps someone in the Scientology scam. And what was Hubbards plan with Scientology.
In reverse order. Hubbard built a system that was meant to create the victim mentality from a person’s entrance into it up through the OT levels. I believe Hubbard was one of the most knowingly evil individuals in history. He preyed on people’s weakness’s and encouraged narcissism and false objectivity. And he eradicated compassion and empathy and ability to experience genuine emotions.
My view/ we have to forgive ourselves first, embrace our inner child and then we can forgive others.
When I think what horrible conduct I experienced from other Scientologists I remind myself that I was like that too and I stop blaming them, and feel for them. Ultimately we always have a choice. I am no longer a victim. And I am learning to love myself and in turn others.
Valerie Ross is one of my heroes. As others have said, 'Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.' Letting such baggage go must be like taking a weight off your shoulders.
But those who do commit crimes do need to answer for them in front of a judge and jury.