David Miscavige is 64 today, and what a gift Scientology cooked up for him!
Over the years, on the occasion of Scientology leader David Miscavige’s birthday, we have sought input from some of the people who worked for him, and it’s always a fun time.
But this year, as Miscavige reaches the notable milestone of 64 years, we really couldn’t do better than a tribute written by an anonymous suckup at STAND League, Scientology’s sham “grassroots” organization, Scientologists Taking Action Against Discrimination.
We do our best to ignore this blatant propaganda operation, but we have to thank Alex Barnes-Ross for bringing to our attention that STAAD or STAND or whatever it is has let out all the stops for Miscavige’s big day.
No less than three fawning tributes have been posted to the site in the last few days (all three without bylines — see update, below), but the one they posted yesterday would make any totalitarian leader green with envy. This panegyric is so over the top, we actually found it to be a laugh riot. We hope you do too.
And yes, this is not a parody. This is an actual tribute to Miscavige posted yesterday at the STAND website…
Why I’m Convinced David Miscavige Is the Coolest Man on Earth
I’ve had the pleasure of meeting a lot of people from all walks of life — most of them talented and constructive, along with a plethora of other positive traits. After all, people and their ideas are the fuel that makes the world go round.
But meeting David Miscavige, the leader of the Scientology religion, is in a whole different league: He is quite simply the coolest man on Earth.
To really grasp Mr. Miscavige’s “coolitude,” you have to not only look at the type of person he is, you also have to take into account what he’s accomplished, and what he continues to accomplish, day in and day out.
Let me sum these up in a nutshell.
When the Founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, was ready to pass the torch to a successor, he needed someone who would (1) be up to the task of leading the fastest-growing religion in the world and (2) have the strength, courage and perspicacity to follow through on ensuring the religious technology is available for future generations. David Miscavige was the individual in whom Mr. Hubbard placed his complete trust. And he has lived up to the task ever since, working relentlessly and mind-blowingly efficiently to protect and expand Scientology worldwide, a massive task if ever there was one.
Based on Mr. Miscavige’s huge responsibilities, you might expect him to be a little on the serious side—or possibly self-centered or even burned out. Many an exec has developed ulcers for much less. But au contraire, Mr. Miscavige has the wit of a comic, while being ferociously efficient and getting things done with mind-boggling levity and speed.
Most importantly, Mr. Miscavige’s entire credo is about altruism, helping his fellow man on a global scale—not just a few million here and there, but the whole of Mankind. You can see and feel this in every humanitarian initiative he spearheads, helping drug addicts and criminals rebuild their lives, helping people gain the ability to learn, helping citizens the world over to know and enforce their human rights, bringing disaster relief on a global scale—all while handling any challenge that would stand between Scientologists and the practice of our religion, and doing so with such honesty and integrity that I, and countless others, have the certainty that without him, the body of Scientology technology would simply not be available today.
In short, David Miscavige is a powerhouse on the right side of truth.
And if you ever have the pleasure of meeting Mr. Miscavige, you will experience what many others have: Though he has a schedule that would leave many a CEO feeling faint, he has the gift of making you feel like you’re the center of the Earth while you’re in his presence.
In his eyes, every being has significance, every conversation is of note, every second a precious drop in the stream of time.
Basically, in a word, the man is a true mensch. So if there is anyone on Earth who deserves a happy birthday, it’s David Miscavige. May it be in his image: totally memorable and totally cool.
Hip, hip, hooray!
OK, campers. Now it’s your turn. Let us know all the ways you think David Miscavige is one cool cat!
UPDATE: Since we prepared this story last night, the STAND League did add a byline to this fawning article, as you can see here…
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Source Code: Actual things founder L. Ron Hubbard said on this date in history
Avast, Ye Mateys: Snapshots from Scientology’s years at sea
Overheard in the Freezone: Indie Hubbardism, one thought at a time
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This was written by Scientologist Nicky Baker. As a writer myself I assumed he or she was a writer. And sure enough she credits herself as a writer for TV and film. The fact that she is clueless regarding the leader of the Scientology organization speaks volumes about what brainwashing can do to a person.
At the end of her fluffy propaganda piece about a David Miscavige she calls him a mensch. The definition of a mensch is: a person of integrity and honor.
So let’s see if Miscavige fits that definition.
- His accomplishments include:
- Physical abuse of staff members
- Verbal abuse of all his staff
- Lying continuously regarding Scientology’s impact on helping making the world a better place
- Living like a king while his staff live in squalor
- Spending millions to destroy those who seek to destroy expose Scientology’s human rights abuses and fraud.
- Responsible for supervising the therapy of Lisa McPherson resulting in her needless death.
Those a few of David’s stellar accomplishments.
You tell me Nicky, is Miscavige a “mensch” and the coolest person on earth?
Here is Nicky’s film and TV credits
https://www.imdb.com/name/nm7527284/
"He had a nasty reputation as a cuel dude. They said he was ruthless. They said he was crude." Thank you, Eagles, just left out that stray "r".
I guess taking three-wheeler expeditions and scuba diving with Tom Cruise, while your crew slaves 24-7 for a week to put on a birthday-party-of-the-century for him, makes you automatically cool as film stars. Or just venal, if you consider that the crew would have been actually paid well for it if they weren't slaves.
Cool is as cool does. Fast bikes and Aviators make you LOOK cool, but borrowing Tom Cruises' private jet so you can shtup your secretary for a whole nine-hour flight to the UK truly IS cuel. Or horrific. Often the two modifiers are found in close proximity. Like P Diddy or DJ Donkey Punch.
I have met Dave many times. He is definitely cuel with an r. How else could he banish his wife and go on wearing the ring while fishing in fresher waters? Got to be cuel to be that kind. (Thanks Nick Lowe)