Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is 113 today: Let’s celebrate with his own words!

Lafayette Ronald Hubbard was born 113 years ago today in Tilden, Nebraska, and the reason he’s still remembered today, more than 38 years after his death in January 1986, is that he was a pulp fiction hack who churned out turgid magazine dreck by the yard during the Great Depression.

No, come on, we all know that’s not the reason. Hubbard is remembered today because he founded and ran a totalitarian regime based around his “psychological folk art” (Lawrence Wright’s wonderful phrase) which is known as Scientology.

Scientology is the subject of almost constant press, but you may have noticed that L. Ron Hubbard’s own words are rarely cited in those stories. One of the things we’ve tried to do here at the Underground Bunker over the years is make sure that there’s some focus on the writings, lectures, policies, and other utterances by Hubbard that are, after all, so important to Scientologists themselves.

And so, on this auspicious occasion, we thought we’d highlight three of Hubbard’s most remarkable statements in order to help celebrate the Great Thetan on his 113th birthday, wherever he is.

I. Scripture from Scientology’s Bible

Everything changed for Hubbard on May 9, 1950, when he pivoted from selling mediocre fiction and published a book claiming to be the first real understanding of the human mind in 50,000 years. Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health was a bestseller and marked the beginning of what later would become known as the Scientology movement.

To this day, Dianetics is Scientology’s Bible, as it were, referred to as “Book One” by Hubbard’s followers. And buried deep in that book is a rather incredible statement by Hubbard which is in every unabridged edition of the book, including those for sale by the Church of Scientology today. In our first edition copy of the 1950 book, the passage appears in Book Three, Chapter IX, Part Two, under the subheading “Differences” on page 336…

The seven-year-old girl who shudders because a man kisses her is not computing; she is reacting to an engram since at seven she should see nothing wrong in a kiss, not even a passionate one. There must have been an earlier experience, possibly prenatal, which made men or kissing very bad.

Scientologists, current or former and almost always male, will try and tell you that this paragraph doesn’t mean what it says outright, that there’s something wrong with a seven-year-old girl who “shudders” at being kissed passionately by an adult man. But it’s plain enough.

Even Scientology didn’t try and deny that it said what it says. One of Scientology’s social media accounts, in 2017, claimed that the word “passionate” in the passage meant something else in 1950 when Hubbard used it…

(By the way, the link to Thad Reeves’s Scientology parenting blog is a dead giveaway that he was operating the feed that day.)

Of course, this excuse is pure bullshit. Hubbard himself used the word passionate with a sexual meaning, and he did so elsewhere in Dianetics, referring to one of his favorite examples of an engram, when mom and dad have rough sex while you’re being bounced around in the womb…

Scientologists can try and explain it away, but the church continues to sell as its main offering to the public a book that contains this assertion by their founder that there’s something wrong with a seven-year-old girl who recoils from a sexual advance by a grown-ass man.

Happy birthday, Ron!

II. In a past life, you were a cold-blooded sexual child-killer

Also in 2017, we were fortunate that Sunny Pereira, a technical expert, could take us through an absolutely chilling 1952 lecture that Hubbard gave in London. To the uninitiated, it made little sense, and contained bizarre passages like this…

And by the way, anybody who had sexual relationships with a little boy ought to be killed! The idea! Horrible! Why that’s the most disgusting thought he’s ever heard. What? Sexual relationships with a little boy? Oh, no. Except in the DED you find him taking a little boy and driving the little boy up to sexual enthusiasm, up, up, up, up, up and the little boy just can’t give any more, and so forth, and on the last jolt of demand on the part of the thetan, the little boy who actually did have a thetan in him anyhow, goes PANG. And it goes straight down to 0.0. BzzzUm. And that’s why being a body is death of a body, is thetan into the body. That’s 0.0. Death of the body is being the body. And you’ll find him having his most enjoyable times thereafter as a little boy. He, he’s doing a super life continuum for this little boy. And this little boy bit the dust and was chewed up and spat out maybe 70, 60, 30 trillion years ago.

Sunny explained what was going on: That if a Scientologist claims that he’s disgusted by the thought of molesting a child (or snitches on someone who does), that the auditor can find, by going back far enough in their “Whole Track” of existence, that they were themselves sexual child-killers, and it brought them some of their “most enjoyable times” as an immortal thetan.

“If someone is denouncing sex with a child today, Hubbard advises the auditor to find what makes a person say that by learning what happened to them in the past, maybe trillions of years ago. And that’s actually a pretty normal instruction for Scientology auditors up to the current day,” Sunny told us.

L. Ron Hubbard, in other words, was suggesting that someone who denounces sex with children today is covering for the fact that sometime in their distant past, they sexually abused a child to death.

“Yes, that’s how I’m reading it,” Sunny said.

And she went on to explain, with further examples from the lecture, that Hubbard wanted his followers to believe that someone objecting to these crimes today was a sure giveaway that they were monsters in their past.

“He’s saying that anyone who reacts negatively to people molesting children today is going to have all of this stuff in their Track that you can find. That’s what makes them feel that way,” she said.

The result? Scientologists keep their mouths shut about the abuse of children in their midst.

That Ron, what a guy.

III. Ron’s final testament: Underage sex romps in outer space

Hubbard spent his final years in seclusion and growing increasingly paranoid. He even shut out his own family, who did not see him after 1980. But Ron was apparently bored in hiding, and returned, after decades, to writing fiction.

While he was hiding out he penned Battlefield Earth and then (with the help of Robert Vaughn Young) a ten-volume work of fiction, the Mission Earth series.

We wonder how many people actually get through all ten volumes, because we were pretty astounded by what we found in the ninth volume in the series, Villainy Victorious.

Here again is our description of part of it. And no, we are not exaggerating anything.

As Chapter 6 of Villainy Victorious begins, the space freighter Blixo is tearing away from Earth with a couple of unhappy passengers: The Earth girl Teenie Whopper (“she must have been fourteen or fifteen at the most”), and a PR man in his thirties, J. Walter Madison.

Teenie informs Madison that they have been shanghaied by a man who turned out to be an extraterrestrial — Teenie says she realized the difference because of the large size of the alien’s penis and testicles. “Too big for any human, and I’m an expert,” she says.

Madison is gloomy after realizing that he is being taken away from his mother, who is his sex partner.

In order to make the best of their situation, Teenie finds a way to make some cash on their trip to the planet Voltar, which is some 22 light years away.

She pimps out another passenger, the catamite Two-lah. [Wikipedia: “In its modern usage the term catamite refers to a boy as the passive or receiving partner in anal intercourse with a man.”]

Madison learns about Teenie’s activities when Blixo’s Captain Bolz shows him into a room.

Two-lah, a “pretty-looking boy” with makeup on his face and a “beatific smile” is lying face down on a bed as a crew member is getting back into his clothes after sodomizing the boy. Two-lah is licking his lips and smiling “a vacant smile.”

Teenie sticks a marijuana joint into the boy’s mouth and counts the cash from the crew member, and explains to a shocked Madison that she’s trying to raise Voltarian cash before they arrive, because Earth money is no good there.

And Two-lah is easy money because, “He’s just about the most nympho catamite you ever did see. And when he’s hopped up on marijuana he can take it all day and night, too! He’s a sponge! Kind of cute, too. You want a piece?”

Captain Bolz isn’t happy about Teenie’s operation, but a week later Madison finds her in Bolz’s office, going through the captain’s financial ledger. Shocked, Madison says the captain will kill her if he finds out.

She responds that she’s been going down on the captain once a day to “keep him cooled off,” and was just checking to see how much money he has to keep paying her for the oral sex.

She also offers to go down on Madison, but he recoils, saying he can’t be unfaithful to his mother.

He warns her again about antagonizing Captain Bolz, but she says the real problem is that she had set her price for oral sex too low, and the captain can only manage once a day, “even with what I learned from the Hong Kong whore.”

She then has a brainstorm. She plans to “slip hash oil into his hot jolt,” and that will have the captain orgasming “three times a day!”

Later, after arriving at Voltar, Madison is flat broke and thinks he sees Teenie working as a slave. He makes it his goal to rescue her. But she laughs at him — it turns out what he mistakenly thought was slave work was her planting marijuana at a deserted palace she had taken over.

She explains that she had given the catamite Two-lah to a “Lord Endow,” and had taught Two-lah some tricks that “pleased Lord Endow no end.” As a reward, when they arrived at Voltar, Lord Endow sent Teenie to page school, where Two-lah convinced the other young boys to train as catamites as well. Two-lah convinced Lord Endow that Teenie had been a “movie queen” on Earth, and he set her up in the abandoned palace.

She tells Madison that he’s just in time for some sort of exhibition, and two 12-year-old page-boys approach them. Teenie then begins to perform oral sex on one of them. “They’ll be top-grade catamites when I’m done,” she says to a horrified Madison.

Still angry over what had happened back on Earth, Teenie has her guards seize Madison and tie him to a chair. After the show that’s about to begin, she will decide his fate. Teenie leaves but then makes a grand entrance, with hundreds of boys chanting “Queen Teenie!”

She tells the boys that she is going to teach them a “technical” lesson, then shows them illustrations of the human body marked, she says, with 172 erotic spots. To demonstrate how they work, she calls up a young virgin from the crowd.

She has him stripped, then she touches a spot near his spine, and he becomes erect. She then touches a spot on his right thigh, and he goes flaccid. “The audience groaned.”

She touches his lower lip, and he becomes erect again, then she touches the side of his neck and his erection stiffens further. Then she “touched a spot at the lower center of the boy’s pubic hair” and he ejaculates.

“Then there were cries of amazement and suddenly wild applause.”

She then touches a spot on his throat, and he becomes erect again, then touches his ear with her tongue, and he ejaculates again.

The boy vows to be her vassal forever.

To Madison’s surprise, a rock band then strikes up a Beatles song, and follows it with something that sounds like Elvis Presley. A male singer in a military shirt then sings a song, which includes these lyrics…

Oh, a soldier’s life is the life for me,
In camp and plain, I’m always free
No women ever spoil my view
They’re always wanting something new,
For it is the men that I enjoy
The best there is, I find, is boy!
The enemy I do not mind
Can go on in my behind
And if my bunkmates all are kind
Surrounded by ten thousand cocks
All passionate and hard as rocks
Eager to slide in my buttocks
So fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck in me!
And let me fuck and fuck in thee
Oh, what a love-ul-lee Arm-ee!
OH! BOY!

After stripping off most of her clothes, Teenie then has another lecture for the crowd. She explains that the sphincter muscle is the “muscle of life and death,” and that controlling the sphincter muscle is key.

“You can make it go round and round,” she says, and then pairs off Two-lah with the young son of the nobleman Snor.

She then has Two-Lah bend over, then instructs two of her pages to get the son of Snor erect and inside Two-Lah’s anus.

She commands them to hold the son of Snor perfectly still as Two-lah works his sphincter muscle.

“Madison, staring, flinched at a scream of ecstasy from the son of Snor.”

After the son of Snor’s orgasm, Teenie calls for a general orgy to begin, and the page-boys throw off their clothes.

Returning to the tied-up Madison, Teenie informs him that she has decided not to sentence him to death, but to sentence him to sexually pleasuring her.

“I always wanted to break that fixation you have on your mother,” she says, and tells him that if he doesn’t come up to her room, he will be executed in the morning.

After a couple of hours, he decides to go to her room, but by then he has thought of a stratagem that will convince Teenie to release him, and he can remain faithful to his mom.

Well, that should be plenty for today’s party. That Ron, he just couldn’t get enough perversion on the page, could he!

So, let’s keep in mind these glimpses inside the mind of the man who even today is a beacon of truth for the world’s Scientologists.

It’s March 13, gang. Hip, hip, hooray!

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Mark Bunker makes his case!

Here’s the mailer Wise Beard Man sent out today with his campaign for re-election in its final week.

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Source Code: Actual things founder L. Ron Hubbard said on this date in history

Avast, Ye Mateys: Snapshots from Scientology’s years at sea

Overheard in the Freezone: Indie Hubbardism, one thought at a time

Past is Prologue: From this week in history at alt.religion.scientology

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