Scientology’s greatest ever justification for its expensive TV channel is here

If you’ve ever actually tried to view any of the programming at church leader David Miscavige’s white elephant, Scientology TV, you know that it’s just an endless stream of unwatchable propaganda.

Slick, dishonest, and above all repetitive, the 24-hour stream isn’t even comical enough to make fun of or hate-watch. And in the six years that it’s been airing at DirecTV and on various apps, it’s made zero impact on any other media or the culture at large. It hasn’t even been interesting enough to generate any controversy.

But Dave has to prove to the minions that it’s been worth the millions and millions it has cost to produce all that wretched content and put it on the air, and over the years we’ve seen at least a couple of attempts to prove that some new members of Scientology were actually drawn in by this thing.

And now, the best story of “how Scientology TV actually recruited a sucker” is here!

This is an actual testimonial that was included in a recent Scientology report to members:

A woman from Los Angeles who works at a hospital was home watching TV when her Chihuahua stepped on the TV remote and changed the channel to 320. At that moment, the remote’s battery died and she didn’t have another way to change the channel. She ended up watching show after show on Scientology Network, which was a series of Voices for Humanity episodes. She became extremely interested in this because she has observed how badly patients at the hospital were reacting to psych drugs. She then went online and found her nearest Org, and got in touch with them. She signed up for an Extension Course and has now obtained the entire Extension Course package.

Yes, people. The chihuahua made her watch Scientology TV, and now she’s on extension courses.

This planet will be cleared in no time.

The report also included these other claims that people have actually been joining Scientology because they watched its propaganda channel…

A woman was introduced to The Problems of Work by a Scientologist she sat next to on a plane. She read the book and then went onto the Scientology Network and started watching, From there, she did her OCA test and went into her local org for her evaluation. She started on the Overcoming Ups and Downs in Life course and since then has done the entire Ethics and Survival Route, read several Basic Books and has completed her Purification Rundown. She is now on her way to Clear — all within the last two months!

A Scientologist disseminated to a woman at work by giving her a Scientology Network QR code card. That woman started watching, and kept watching for months until one day she asked the Scientologist if she could take her to the Org to start on course. She has since completed five Life Improvement Courses, Introductory Auditing and is on her Purification Rundown.

That last testimonial refers to a Scientology Network “dissemination” kit that Scientologists are encouraged to use to help people find the channel. It includes cards with a QR code so they can figure out how to tune in.

We remember when, back in 2019, Dave discovered QR codes, and it looks like he’s still bullish on them.

Scientologists are told to hand out these cards so that people will use them to find Dave’s channel. And here’s the result…

A happy new customer. (Is it just us, or does it look like that card was photoshopped into the picture?)

Anyway, if enough pets out there stepped on enough remote controls, maybe Dave’s TV experiment would pick up some steam. But can you imagine a real network asking its employees to hand out QR codes to get people to watch?

That is, of course, a glaring example of what a failure Dave’s experiment has been. But he’s going to keep throwing money at it, and his Ideal Org program, while membership continues to dwindle. What a recipe for success!

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We’re not the only ones, it turns out

Thank you to the readers who sent us links to a fun new column at the Guardian, where writer Catherine Bennett raised some pretty familiar questions about Tom Cruise and his stunt at the Olympics Closing Ceremony.

And we particularly appreciated this sentiment:

International acclaim for this cultural surrender to Cruise aesthetics must have been enough to make those Scientology survivors brave enough to have detailed horrendous experiences wonder why they bothered.

Hear, hear.

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Source Code: Actual things founder L. Ron Hubbard said on this date in history

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Overheard in the Freezone: Indie Hubbardism, one thought at a time

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