Why growing up in Scientology can be so damaging, even years after leaving

[Today’s guest post is by Sunny Pereira]

Although this story is my personal experience, and many could have had variations of this, I think it’s worth noting what Scientology’s “applied religious philosophy” does to its youngest members as far as trauma and damage.

In therapy, real therapy, not Scientology’s balderdash, there is so much research and understanding of what causes trauma, and ways to manage it. When babies and kids learn that someone who loves them can also deeply hurt them or ignore their needs, it creates an inner turmoil that manifests in other and later relationships.

Scientology and Sea Org parents alike are indoctrinated to be, in a sense, distanced emotionally from their children.

“You have lived before, Sunny.” My mom says. I’m only 3. I’ve barely figured out I’m alive at all. And now I’ve been handed immortality, whether I want it or not.

“You already know all of this. You just need to remember.” She continues.

And she leaves me in a Sea Org daycare that is extremely understaffed and full of more than 200 children and babies in chaos. Dirty diapers, hungry kids, fighting kids, upset kids, you name it. All dropped off while parents go off to save and Clear the planet.

I want to cry. I want to go back to our old life. This place is too much for me. I don’t know anyone. Where is my brother? I find him, he’s as lost as I am. But at least we know each other. He had already, before we even came to LA, tried to get away. Back in Austin, he was once found by police walking down the center of a six-lane road, saying he was walking to his grandmother’s house, 375 miles away, in Lubbock.

We were both lost and confused. It quickly became clear to us that crying would get us nowhere. Everyone else was already crying. So we stood quietly, wondering when or if we would see our one parent again.

Left in a disorganized and unsupervised place, we decided to explore. Our only instructions had been to “remember” how to grow up again. It was very clear we were very much on our own for this endeavor.

Visits from our mom were rare back in those days. We never knew from one day to the next if we would see her at all. Sometimes it was days, sometimes weeks or even months without a parent. Just the chaos that was the daycare.

Sometimes I would wake up in bed at the apartment mom had. She would pick us up as late as midnight, but I would not remember that. I would just wake up and be home. It was nice to have the quiet sometimes. But then it would be another drop off the next morning and the same routine of “figure it out.” We had to learn early and young how to Make Things Go Right, a common, very overused term in Scientology.

Fend for yourself was the motto we learned early on. It was hard, and nearly impossible to get the attention of a caretaker because of the chaos and messes they were dealing with. They were clearly overworked and never got breaks either. Looking back on it, I’m pretty sure they were working 24 hours a day trying to keep up with all the kids. There was no help or end in sight for them either.

So I learned to be on my own at a very young age. I learned that no-one would be there for me when I needed help or support. Food? Find it. Clean clothes? Ha, that’s a joke. A towel to dry off after a shower (with no soap, and no assistance, I did what I could in a bath)? No. A cot or bed for a nap? Ha. Just find a corner of a room and nap there. Try to find a dry spot where no one had pissed recently.

With so many children and babies missing their parents, lost and confused, there was no way it could have been anything less than chaos.

Many of these children, including myself, because of this unpredictability, developed attachment disorders. In my case, and probably 99 percent of the children there, it created the rare type, called disorganized attachment.

What’s that? Well, it causes chaotic, unpredictable or intense relationship patterns and behaviors. It causes extreme fear of rejection as well as difficulty connecting and trusting others. It causes extreme need for closeness while pushing others away. It causes aggressive behavior towards caregivers and partners, and even friends. It makes us have a negative self-image and low self worth. Shame, anxiety, feeling unlovable, inadequate or unworthy.

I had to learn at a very young age that I was not going to get support or comfort from anywhere. In a sense, every child was on their own. In an environment like that, there was no time for caregivers (or parents, essentially absent) to provide nurturing and education to their offspring.

It was so much easier for them to tell us to remember. Then it was all on us to figure it out.

And if your “figuring it out” results in doing something out-ethics (such as “stealing” food, the one I always got into huge trouble for), you would hear about that from your parent, whenever you did finally see them.

Make it go right, but don’t steal (that’s suppressive!), don’t do anything without permission. Hell on wheels, mom, there’s nobody to ask around here! We are all on our own.

The only rare visits from the parent became less and less affectionate and more and more “ethics handlings” for whatever bad thing we did this time.

In the early years I did want to see my mom, but when it became visits from mom meant I was in ethics trouble again, I had no desire to see her.

After years of trying to understand and figure all of this out, plus with a single parent who was rarely present, it was very hard to attach to her, or anyone, for that matter.

Things went on like this for somewhere around a decade. Rare parent visits that I didn’t want anyway. I became a cranky, violent, sneaky, unstable teen around the age of five. It was the only way to survive there.

By the time my mom got a post assignment that kept her in the LA area regularly, the damage was already done. I pushed her away emotionally from that point on. To me, she was just another Sea Org member, not a parent.

Outwardly, I became a hard core Sea Org member and did my assigned posts with my all. But deep down, I hated being in Scientology, I hated my life and never wanted it. I had become a trained auditor (the Scientology auditor – the one who delivers counselling sessions in Scientology) because Hubbard said they are the most valuable beings on the planet.

And I wanted my mom to value me. I wanted her to see that she should have loved me. I wanted to have value and matter. I wanted her to reach out to me. So I could shove her away and put her back in her place. She needed a dose of what she dished out.

Yes, this is and was childish of me.

This is a very predictable pattern recognized in therapy. Disorganized Attachment is very real. And rare. But I believe that many of those raised in Scientology or the Sea Org might recognize the pattern of it in themselves. If I can just help one person feel better about themselves, all of my writing about Scientology would be worth it.

Remember this, second gens: It was not your fault. It just never was, and never will be. You matter. You are loved.

— Sunny Pereira

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Chris Shelton is going Straight up and Vertical

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